The Trust Test
Who’s genuine and who’s just there because you’re shiny
One year ago, I had a relatively quiet moment when a major “aha!” went off in my head! It’s about watching bugs — but trust me, there’s a pretty fun insight.
I’ll set the scene: I was in Maine. I was in the middle of the country on a nature preserve, so when it’s dark at night…it’s DARK. It was 11 p.m. I was in a log cabin. I had a book and a glass of water, and I was ready to begin my nightly ritual of reading to help me fall asleep.
I turned on the bedside stand light, and something ordinary, yet extraordinary, happened.
All the bugs came flew over towards the light.
And then the “Aha!” moment:
This is what happens in life, too!
A person with “the spotlight” — whether that’s for wealth, fame, your family, your job, etc — will attract A LOT of bugs with their light!
So, how do you separate the bugs from the trustworthy? It’s time for the trust test.
Here are the six questions to ask yourself.
1) Does the relationship change in the presence of bright & shiny things?
Does this other person change? Do they get extra excited at the sight of your house? Does their eagerness kick into high gear when they learn you’re an investor? Do they start speaking really quickly when they look you up and realize who you actually are?
These changes are all signs of stress response, primarily dopamine, which is about anticipation. It’s the key hormone released in the early stages of dating because it’s about infatuation. This signals that this person is attracted to the “idea of you,” but maybe not the “real” you..
If someone stays even keel, their nervous system is relaxed, which means they could be a grounded person to confide in.
In the world of the nervous system, a nonreaction is a trusty reaction.
2) Do they show up and check in the small moments?
True friends and confidants show up when no one’s looking. They check in to see how your day’s going — just because. The people who show up in the small moments are worth keeping around for the big moments.
3) Do they remember things you say or care about?
Remembering what matters to you is a sign of caring. If they remember your birthday (or your kid’s/mom’s birthday), your favorite coffee shop, a doctor’s appointment, or a small detail you shared the last time you were together, that person is giving you evidence that you matter.
4) Do they tell you the truth when it’s hard?
After working in Hollywood, philanthropy, and now in this funny world of wealth, I've seen that if people depend upon you for a big paycheck, they are reluctant to disagree, offer feedback, or be transparent. This is what they call “yes men.”
Side note: If you’re missing some truth in your world, you might be creating a fear culture (which is a whole other blog post) or a culture of vanity around you. In general though, if someone is a truth-teller when it’s not in their best interest, but in yours, they’re a keeper.
5) Are you calm and safe around this person?
Similar to question one, our bodies give us so much information, which is why understanding the nervous system is so core to the EQ of Wealth. Check in with yourself when you’re with them. If you can feel calm, relaxed, silly, funny, or just plain “you” around them, your body is giving you a significant green flag to invest more time and energy into this relationship.
6) What does your gut wisdom say?
If you close your eyes, ask the question, and listen, you will always know what's best for you.
We’re all trying our best with what we know, but the two most valuable resources I’ve found are my time and energy.
We’re all trying our best with what we know, but the two most valuable resources I’ve found are my time and energy.
Who you give that to and who receives it is priceless.
